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by insanityisavirtue 4/22/2013, 11:11 pmThe scent of fresh grass, the subtle aroma of spring, that’s my favorite smell in the world. Everything just seemed so serene as I lay in this field of grass, the rest of the world felt distant and irrelevant. As I closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of the afternoon sun beating on my face, I thought to myself that nothing else mattered. It was such a carefree statement, nothing mattered. Everything else was just a distant memory, a forgotten dream; and the world seemed perfect.
Yet, despite all of this perfection, there was something else. But what was it, this oddity? At the back of my mind I felt it, gnawing at me. There was something there, but the only problem was that I just couldn’t put my finger on it. What was this feeling, this thought at the corner of the conscience? It was like a single black dot upon a blank white canvas. So small it seemed absolutely pointless, and yet it captured all of your attention. This single blot on my mind, a smudge amidst all this perfection, it caught my attention like a thorn in my side. It antagonized me to my very core, but every time I tried to focus on this single smudge it became blurred and impossible to distinguish.
The thoughts flowed through my and yet they felt strange. They were persuasive and soothing, and yet they felt foreign. I wanted to listen to them; I wanted to do what they told me. I wanted to stop caring. But I couldn’t. Deep in the recess of my mind I knew it, and the realization was like a bucket of cold water. This was all wrong.
Why? The question rang through my mind, a single world that meant so very much. Why? Why what, I though in return to my own question. Why did nothing matter? Why did I not care? And why did I feel as if this was all so wrong, when it seemed so right? My mind felt hazy, and the questions merely floated in my head unanswered. My mind felt numb, numbed by this overwhelming sense of peace.
The idea seemed so pleasing, so comfortable. Why should I let these questions bother me? Why should I care when I could just relax? The warmth, the softness, the sweet aroma, the peace; it seemed so simple and obvious to me. I should just lay here forever. It was all just so comfortable. Forever…
No! The feeling grew within me, this feeling of rebellion. It fought with all its might, the feeling that all of this was wrong. That there was more to the world then this, more to the world then this fake sense of peace. The feeling grew and grew until it filled my mind with itself.
The thoughts urged on, whispering, echoing throughout my mind, but I ignored them. I didn’t want to just lie here anymore, to do nothing, to feel nothing. I knew it deep within myself; I knew none of this was real. This sense of peace was not real, this place was not real. It was all lies, soothing and intoxicating lies that threatened to shroud my mind from reality. I wouldn’t let them rule me. They whispered to me, but I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to simply relax and forget the truth. I didn’t want this peace, these unreal feelings. I wanted to stand up and live.
It was a voice of a girl. The way it spoke was kind and compassionate, yet with an edge importance and reality. I listened to the voice and heard what it said, for the voice felt real. Its message felt real. And so, I did what the voice told me to and opened my eyes.
My eyes flew open only to be take by complete surprise. There was no field of grass, no sun hovering in the sky, no warm spring breeze. It had all been a dream I quickly realized, but I didn't have time to ponder over that. There were other issues at hand.
In my opinion, finding yourself waking up in an unknown hospital with no recollection of how or why you are there tends to make one anxious. Considering the fact I had just woken up from one freak of a dream(though it wasn't quite unlike another dream I've had before, what did that mean?) I was just a tad bit paranoid about the whole situation. It might have been a overreaction, but my first instinct was to get out of there, and fast. It was that feeling again, like the one I experience in the dream. The feeling that 'all was wrong'.
Without a second thought I pulled the wires and little tubes off of myself, making the heartbeat monitor ring out in a single flat tone. Great, I thought to myself in sort of bitter amusement, I guess I'm dead. Then no waiting to see if anyone came around to check on me, I quickly got myself out of there.
Good, the hallway was empty. In retrospect I consider this to be slightly odd. Odd that there weren't any nurses running around the place, odd that most of the rooms seemed to be locked and empty, odd that the place was so utterly quiet. But I didn't think about it at the time, all I thought about was the sense of urgency that hung over my mind. Here I am, in a hospital, aka a place of 'healing and rest', and I'm running through the halls as if death was at every corner. I might have just woken up from a dream, but now it felt as if I had entered a nightmare. Perhaps it was, I pondered to myself, and I will wake up at any moment.
At this point, even I had no idea what I was doing or where I was planning on going, the only thing I knew was that I wanted to get out of there. It was like an itch on my mind, screaming at me to get away from here. At another time I might have questioned this, inquiring at the unreasonable idea that had wormed it's way into my mind, or simply ignore it. Instead, I took a chance and decided to trust it, just like I had trusted what I felt inside that dream.
Finally, a door that was open! Though why there were so many locked door in this area of the hospital was beyond, unless of course they found that their invisible patients tried to escape often. Not bothering to wait a moment to wonder on this oddity, I charged my through the doors and down the flight of stairs that followed. According to the signs I passed as I descended, my room was located on the fifth floor. Big hospital, and yet so very few patients seen on this level, or at least from what I've noticed.
I made my way down the steps, which I must say was quite irritating considering I was wearing one of those hospital gowns, but I somehow managed to keep on my feet and not tumble over myself. I was hurrying my way down to level two when the soft clicking of a door handle being turned broke the silence. My eyes wildly scanned to see where the noise was coming from, but from what I could tell the sound was coming from a floor or two above. Not wanting to waste time to see who they were, and not being on to give up so easily on the first sign of trouble, I rushed my way into the hallways of level two. Luckily for me these halls seemed about as vacant as the ones upstairs. I didn't take time to smile at my good luck, because now that I knew that I wasn't the only person in this hospital my guard was up. What's to stop there from being more people wandering about?
Right on cue I hear footsteps coming from some adjacent hallway, what did I say about my good luck again? Obviously, my little nightmare had a twisted sense of irony. Without a moment's hesitation I went for the first door saw and, thankfully my bad luck did not persist, I rushed in without checking to see what was inside. I barged in through the doorway and quickly shut it behind me.
Anybody in their right mind would have thought I was acting crazy, heck, even it was obvious to me that I seemed a bit delusional. And yet, the feeling persisted stubbornly, and what choice did I have but to listen to it? Gosh, I scowled at myself, now you really do sound bonkers.
The amount of patients on this level were apparently greater then what I saw on the fifth, because this room just happened to be occupied. On the bright side though, they appeared to be sleeping at the moment and didn't notice that they had a guest. Suddenly I was curious as to what the time was, and since I didn't bother to pay attention earlier, I just noticed that it was night outside. According to the alarm clock next to the guy's bed it was a quarter past ten. That partly explained why the hallways were so empty, but only partly.
Opening the door a bit I poked my head out to check if the coast was clear or not, and by the looks of it the owner of those footsteps had wandered themselves away. Then without even saying goodbye I reentered the hallways on my quest to get outside. Swiftly I ran down the hallway, my bare feet against the cold floors, nothing but me and my feeling of dread. I knew nothing expect that I didn't want to be here.
I almost tripped over myself, and if there was a mirror in front of me I might have laughed at my expression of shock and confusion. It was that voice again, the one that told me to open my eyes. Should I trust it? On the one hand it led me here, but on the other it was the one that freed me from the strange dream. Not matter which way I looked at it, I was clueless, and so there was really no other option but to listen this voice. The fact that the voice seemed to be coming from inside my own mind was irrelevant to me, if I was going to act crazy I might as well go all the way and listen to the voice in my head. After regaining myself, it was decided, and now there was no turning back. I turned left as the voice said and continued running.
Wherever I was being lead, well, I just hoped it was better then where I was before. Really though, what's the worse that could happen? Bad question, and wanting to let my wild imagination decide on the top ten worse things that could happen, I ignored it. There was just not time for doubting, I needed a way out and this voice was showing me such a way.
Elevator? My eyes quickly locked themselves on the presumably said elevators, and creepily enough the elevator just so happened to open. And no one came out. This only made me more curious, and even a bit frightened. What does that say when a voice inside you head knows more then you do? Not very much I'd say, nothing at all good. Elevator it is, I dryly thought.
The door closed behind me, and the elevator began to go up. Up!? But I just took all this time to go down. I was now seriously considering doubting this voice now, and the idea that it was helping me. It seemed a lot more like it was attempting to frustrate me. Despite my efforts at pressing all the random buttons, the elevator continued to move up and up. “Fine,” I spoke out loud to no one,“I'll remain contempt for now, but don't you think I've given up just yet!” Yep, I was definitely bonkers.
And right I did turn, and according to the elevator I was now on level six of this large hospital. All will be answered? Whatever you say, miss-dramatic-voice-in-my-head. I had become a bit vexed, but then again who wouldn't have been?
I guess I wasn't gonna be heading outside, or anywhere out of this hospital. Whatever I find in there, it better be worth it. Of all the things I might have expected on the other side of those doors, of all the horrible ways I imagine this situation could go wrong, I must admit that what happened next caught me by surprise. I ran down the hallway, and without bothering to wait another moment I bust through the doors and into the room beyond it.
Where did I find myself but in some sort of doctor's office of some sort, a fancy little office that was located on the sixth floor. There a few feet away with her back turned to me stood a lady, a well dressed lady who looked to be somewhere in her early forties. With the sound of me bursting through the doors, the woman turned around. Then without any warning at all her eyes widened and she practically ran at me, her arms opened, and I just stood there not quite sure what was happening as she overwhelmed me with an immense bear-like hug. Was she sobbing? I didn't know who this lady was, and I was at a lost of words as she embraced me. Then letting go she looked at me with these big eyes and a large smile.
Wait a moment, that was my name she just said. That was definitely MY name, how did she know it? Why was she looking at me like that? To this statement I could only justify one response.
Yet, despite all of this perfection, there was something else. But what was it, this oddity? At the back of my mind I felt it, gnawing at me. There was something there, but the only problem was that I just couldn’t put my finger on it. What was this feeling, this thought at the corner of the conscience? It was like a single black dot upon a blank white canvas. So small it seemed absolutely pointless, and yet it captured all of your attention. This single blot on my mind, a smudge amidst all this perfection, it caught my attention like a thorn in my side. It antagonized me to my very core, but every time I tried to focus on this single smudge it became blurred and impossible to distinguish.
Ignore it. Everything else is irrelevant. Pointless. Nothing matters. Everything is perfect as it is and nothing else matters.
The thoughts flowed through my and yet they felt strange. They were persuasive and soothing, and yet they felt foreign. I wanted to listen to them; I wanted to do what they told me. I wanted to stop caring. But I couldn’t. Deep in the recess of my mind I knew it, and the realization was like a bucket of cold water. This was all wrong.
Why? The question rang through my mind, a single world that meant so very much. Why? Why what, I though in return to my own question. Why did nothing matter? Why did I not care? And why did I feel as if this was all so wrong, when it seemed so right? My mind felt hazy, and the questions merely floated in my head unanswered. My mind felt numb, numbed by this overwhelming sense of peace.
That’s it. Just relax and let it all go.
The idea seemed so pleasing, so comfortable. Why should I let these questions bother me? Why should I care when I could just relax? The warmth, the softness, the sweet aroma, the peace; it seemed so simple and obvious to me. I should just lay here forever. It was all just so comfortable. Forever…
No! The feeling grew within me, this feeling of rebellion. It fought with all its might, the feeling that all of this was wrong. That there was more to the world then this, more to the world then this fake sense of peace. The feeling grew and grew until it filled my mind with itself.
Just relax, nothing matters. Nothing Matters. Relax.
The thoughts urged on, whispering, echoing throughout my mind, but I ignored them. I didn’t want to just lie here anymore, to do nothing, to feel nothing. I knew it deep within myself; I knew none of this was real. This sense of peace was not real, this place was not real. It was all lies, soothing and intoxicating lies that threatened to shroud my mind from reality. I wouldn’t let them rule me. They whispered to me, but I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to simply relax and forget the truth. I didn’t want this peace, these unreal feelings. I wanted to stand up and live.
“Then open your eyes.”
It was a voice of a girl. The way it spoke was kind and compassionate, yet with an edge importance and reality. I listened to the voice and heard what it said, for the voice felt real. Its message felt real. And so, I did what the voice told me to and opened my eyes.
* * *
My eyes flew open only to be take by complete surprise. There was no field of grass, no sun hovering in the sky, no warm spring breeze. It had all been a dream I quickly realized, but I didn't have time to ponder over that. There were other issues at hand.
In my opinion, finding yourself waking up in an unknown hospital with no recollection of how or why you are there tends to make one anxious. Considering the fact I had just woken up from one freak of a dream(though it wasn't quite unlike another dream I've had before, what did that mean?) I was just a tad bit paranoid about the whole situation. It might have been a overreaction, but my first instinct was to get out of there, and fast. It was that feeling again, like the one I experience in the dream. The feeling that 'all was wrong'.
Without a second thought I pulled the wires and little tubes off of myself, making the heartbeat monitor ring out in a single flat tone. Great, I thought to myself in sort of bitter amusement, I guess I'm dead. Then no waiting to see if anyone came around to check on me, I quickly got myself out of there.
Good, the hallway was empty. In retrospect I consider this to be slightly odd. Odd that there weren't any nurses running around the place, odd that most of the rooms seemed to be locked and empty, odd that the place was so utterly quiet. But I didn't think about it at the time, all I thought about was the sense of urgency that hung over my mind. Here I am, in a hospital, aka a place of 'healing and rest', and I'm running through the halls as if death was at every corner. I might have just woken up from a dream, but now it felt as if I had entered a nightmare. Perhaps it was, I pondered to myself, and I will wake up at any moment.
At this point, even I had no idea what I was doing or where I was planning on going, the only thing I knew was that I wanted to get out of there. It was like an itch on my mind, screaming at me to get away from here. At another time I might have questioned this, inquiring at the unreasonable idea that had wormed it's way into my mind, or simply ignore it. Instead, I took a chance and decided to trust it, just like I had trusted what I felt inside that dream.
Finally, a door that was open! Though why there were so many locked door in this area of the hospital was beyond, unless of course they found that their invisible patients tried to escape often. Not bothering to wait a moment to wonder on this oddity, I charged my through the doors and down the flight of stairs that followed. According to the signs I passed as I descended, my room was located on the fifth floor. Big hospital, and yet so very few patients seen on this level, or at least from what I've noticed.
I made my way down the steps, which I must say was quite irritating considering I was wearing one of those hospital gowns, but I somehow managed to keep on my feet and not tumble over myself. I was hurrying my way down to level two when the soft clicking of a door handle being turned broke the silence. My eyes wildly scanned to see where the noise was coming from, but from what I could tell the sound was coming from a floor or two above. Not wanting to waste time to see who they were, and not being on to give up so easily on the first sign of trouble, I rushed my way into the hallways of level two. Luckily for me these halls seemed about as vacant as the ones upstairs. I didn't take time to smile at my good luck, because now that I knew that I wasn't the only person in this hospital my guard was up. What's to stop there from being more people wandering about?
Right on cue I hear footsteps coming from some adjacent hallway, what did I say about my good luck again? Obviously, my little nightmare had a twisted sense of irony. Without a moment's hesitation I went for the first door saw and, thankfully my bad luck did not persist, I rushed in without checking to see what was inside. I barged in through the doorway and quickly shut it behind me.
Anybody in their right mind would have thought I was acting crazy, heck, even it was obvious to me that I seemed a bit delusional. And yet, the feeling persisted stubbornly, and what choice did I have but to listen to it? Gosh, I scowled at myself, now you really do sound bonkers.
The amount of patients on this level were apparently greater then what I saw on the fifth, because this room just happened to be occupied. On the bright side though, they appeared to be sleeping at the moment and didn't notice that they had a guest. Suddenly I was curious as to what the time was, and since I didn't bother to pay attention earlier, I just noticed that it was night outside. According to the alarm clock next to the guy's bed it was a quarter past ten. That partly explained why the hallways were so empty, but only partly.
Opening the door a bit I poked my head out to check if the coast was clear or not, and by the looks of it the owner of those footsteps had wandered themselves away. Then without even saying goodbye I reentered the hallways on my quest to get outside. Swiftly I ran down the hallway, my bare feet against the cold floors, nothing but me and my feeling of dread. I knew nothing expect that I didn't want to be here.
'Turn left.'
I almost tripped over myself, and if there was a mirror in front of me I might have laughed at my expression of shock and confusion. It was that voice again, the one that told me to open my eyes. Should I trust it? On the one hand it led me here, but on the other it was the one that freed me from the strange dream. Not matter which way I looked at it, I was clueless, and so there was really no other option but to listen this voice. The fact that the voice seemed to be coming from inside my own mind was irrelevant to me, if I was going to act crazy I might as well go all the way and listen to the voice in my head. After regaining myself, it was decided, and now there was no turning back. I turned left as the voice said and continued running.
'Take a right.'
Wherever I was being lead, well, I just hoped it was better then where I was before. Really though, what's the worse that could happen? Bad question, and wanting to let my wild imagination decide on the top ten worse things that could happen, I ignored it. There was just not time for doubting, I needed a way out and this voice was showing me such a way.
'Take the elevator.'
Elevator? My eyes quickly locked themselves on the presumably said elevators, and creepily enough the elevator just so happened to open. And no one came out. This only made me more curious, and even a bit frightened. What does that say when a voice inside you head knows more then you do? Not very much I'd say, nothing at all good. Elevator it is, I dryly thought.
The door closed behind me, and the elevator began to go up. Up!? But I just took all this time to go down. I was now seriously considering doubting this voice now, and the idea that it was helping me. It seemed a lot more like it was attempting to frustrate me. Despite my efforts at pressing all the random buttons, the elevator continued to move up and up. “Fine,” I spoke out loud to no one,“I'll remain contempt for now, but don't you think I've given up just yet!” Yep, I was definitely bonkers.
'All will be answered in due time. Turn right.'
And right I did turn, and according to the elevator I was now on level six of this large hospital. All will be answered? Whatever you say, miss-dramatic-voice-in-my-head. I had become a bit vexed, but then again who wouldn't have been?
'The door at the end of the hallway, take it. That's your destination.'
I guess I wasn't gonna be heading outside, or anywhere out of this hospital. Whatever I find in there, it better be worth it. Of all the things I might have expected on the other side of those doors, of all the horrible ways I imagine this situation could go wrong, I must admit that what happened next caught me by surprise. I ran down the hallway, and without bothering to wait another moment I bust through the doors and into the room beyond it.
Where did I find myself but in some sort of doctor's office of some sort, a fancy little office that was located on the sixth floor. There a few feet away with her back turned to me stood a lady, a well dressed lady who looked to be somewhere in her early forties. With the sound of me bursting through the doors, the woman turned around. Then without any warning at all her eyes widened and she practically ran at me, her arms opened, and I just stood there not quite sure what was happening as she overwhelmed me with an immense bear-like hug. Was she sobbing? I didn't know who this lady was, and I was at a lost of words as she embraced me. Then letting go she looked at me with these big eyes and a large smile.
“Jared, you're awake.”
Wait a moment, that was my name she just said. That was definitely MY name, how did she know it? Why was she looking at me like that? To this statement I could only justify one response.
“Who are you?”