Not a whisper to be heard

Leandra limped up to her mother's small shrine, no longer using a cane. She had a small basket of fruit for offering, but didn't really feel like making an offering. She had thought her feelings about her mother were getting better after the backpack, and the solstice visit. She had thought they had a connection, and maybe she would get over her resentment. That didn't seem to be the case today.

It's been said many times that hospitals hear more earnest prayers than the inside if churches. For Leandra that had not been inaccurate. Once she had finished praying to recover, her prayers had turned in earnest towards Angerona, her mother, to take her anguish. Or at least release it some.

Everything, like always with her mother, it was all silence. "Hey, mom, it's me again. Still can't sleep. I know you said that the past was just memories, and feelings can't hurt you, but..." Leandra's voice cracked, and her eyes stung. It was hard for her to force the words. She didn't want to cry. Romans weren't weak. Romans hated weakness. Crying from self-pity and frustration was definitely weakness, but she didn't know how strong she actually was. Not as strong as Rome expected her to be. She wasn't. She focused her frustration to a less weak feeling. Anger. Anger Romans understood.

"But you don't understand! How could you?! You're a goddess! I'm fifteen, mom! Fifteen! I don't know how to handle everything!" Leandra snapped, yelling at the statue self-indulgently. She grabbed one of the oranges from the basket and threw it angrily. "I can't handle everything! And you fix men',s anguish! But where are you for me?! I can't... I just... I can't...

Leandra stopped mid-throw, and mid-rant when she heard Tiberia's voice. Cold fear ran quickly through her veins as she turned to look at her friend, but also her optio. "Tiberia..." She lowered the apple she was holding, swallowing hard. Tib wasnt exactly, Leandra knew she would come to Temple Hill, but not at this hour. Not to this shrine.

Leandra's mind worked overtime, first wondering how Tiberia had slipped up without her noticing. Then wondering how bad the inevitable flogging would hurt. Even though they were fast friends, Leandra didn't get away with everything, and she imagined throwing fruit at a goddess ranked high enough on the severity scale, even if her mother completely deserved an orange to her face. That and violating curfew. "This isn't what it looks like. Or... It didn't start out...I...I..." She looked down and away, not willing to meet her friend. Her face burned with shame, it's color returning. "I...Tib...I have no excuse. I just..." She shifted her position uncomfortably, trying to keep a host of emotions under control. Romans did not show weakness. Romans did not show weakness. Romans did not show weakness. Why was her lip quivering and her eyes burning? She shifted again, keeping her gaze on the marble at her feet. She was not going to hurt burst into tears in front of Tibby or her mother. Romans did not show weakness. Damnit.

Leandra took a deep breath, still overwhelmed by emotions as she fought to answer the question. "It's...it's not, but it is, but.. It's not." She set the basket of fruit down, dropping the apple into the basket. "It isn't about the leg, Tibia. I...have you ever known, been absolutely certain, that you were about to die? Because... I was...and I can't. I can't shake it. I..." She ran a hand over her dark kinky hair.

The daughter of Angerona looked up at friend, hesitant to meet her eyes. She was ashamed to feel so overwhelmed. Ashamed to not be in control of her feelings. To be weak. "I keep seeing it. Hearing it.... The fear, it... I can't. I can't handle it. I just... I don't sleep. I feel paranoid. My heart races like a chariot whenever I even think about it, and that's... I can't not think about it." The girl wrapped her arms around herself defensively. Would Tiberia understand at all? Or was she completely losing her mind?

Tib's embrace was warm and comforting, like a protective shield against everything bad. Leandra took a deep breath, trying to calm herself as she looked at the grass, listening to her friend. She tried to focus on counting, but her eyes burned. Focus on the present. She couldn't. She felt like a failure at not even being able to do that. She took another deep breath, then dissolved into tears, burying her face awkwardly in Tiberia's shoulder. "I'm trying. I just..I'm so t-tired. I can't k-keep going on, Tib." She half-said and half-sobbed to her friend. Shame made her chest heave harder.

"And...I've spent m-my entire life t-taking other's pain. Wh-why can't someone help me with mine? Why do I have to carry everything alone?" Words she had often thought, but rarely expressed. She didn't care. She just wanted relief.

Leandra wasn't sure how long she cried, or that Tiberia held her. After a while, she stopped, regaining control, though now her head hurt and her nose was stuffy. She sniffled awkwardly. To be honest, she wasn't sure what she would have done without Tibby, who had always managed to be there for her. Would she have just thrown fruit at Angerona until she was smote? Or collapsed in self-pitying sobbing alone? She took another breath and then felt her diaphragm spasm into a hiccup.

"Thank you. For... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost my composure like that." Leandra said quietly, though she didn't move away from Tiberia's sisterly embrace. "Thank you. I've been trying to handle this alone for weeks. And I..." She was interrupted again by an hiccup. "These hiccups are gonna make it hard to sound dignified..." She said, a wry smile forming.

The younger Roman didn't continue her previous train of thought. She didn't know exactly what she had intended to say. That she still didnt know what she was going to do? That she felt like there was something seriously wrong? That flashbacks from her first day at camp, and then from the recent incident assaulted her and blurred together at times?

"Please don't tell the others..."

Leandra hiccuped again and she moved back a little, so she could look up at Tiberia's face. "I don't feel strong, Tib, I feel broken. I don't know...something happened when... I, I just froze. Terrified. And...I, I just remembered the h-hellhound from when I first, first came to Camp. I never got over that first one...and then this...and I... I just, I...I keep seeing it. Feeling it. Over and over. Anytime I close my eyes. I don't feel strong, Tibby. I feel violated. I feel like I'm losing my mind."

Leandra stepped back, frustration running through her at Tiberia's words. She ran her hands through her dark hair, almost frustrated enough to pull it out like those cartoons. "That's the problem, Tibby! I don't know how to get past it. I don't know. It's worse than any monster, even the one that caused it. I don't know how to get past it. I don't know what actions to take. I'm stuck. I don't know! I don't know! If I knew, do you think I would be here?! I don't know how to go past it! And Legion training, Roman ways, don't be weak. Be strong. Be disciplined. Destroy something before it can hurt you. I can't destroy this. I can't attack it. I don't know how to do this, Tib! You're asking me to attack something that...I don't know how to fight. And I can't. I can't not think about it and do something when I don't know what the hell it is I'm suppose to do!"

She stopped, realizing that she was raising her voice again. Leandra looked down at the floor, blushing. "I'm sorry... I just...I don't know what to do."

Leandra whimpered at the suggestion of having Romulus make mist forms of the hellhounds. A few weeks ago she would have whimpered at the thought of asking Romulus for help after the disastrous time when he found out about her crush on him. Now she still felt an embarrassed feeling, but it was overwhelmed by the feeling of fear at just the idea of seeing a hellhound. Did Tiberia not understand? Did she not get just what she was asking of her?

Leandra focused her eyes back to Tib's dark eyes from staring blankly in terror. She saw concern and care. That made her suggestion all the worse. Tibby got stubborn when she felt she was right, Leandra knew that she would never be able to convince the granddaughter of Neptune that this was a horrible idea. Still, she knew she couldn't just do that. "Tib, I...d-don't make me. I can't. I can't handle it. You don't understand. I, it's, I,... Don't make me. Please. I'm begging you. No hellhounds. Don't. I can't. I'm not strong enough. I'm not as strong as you think I am. Don't...please. Please. Punish me, flog me, banish me. Just don't make me face hellhounds."

Leandra was jarred by Tiberia grabbing her shoulders roughly, and ashamed as well. Still, the older girl didn't really understand exactly how terrifying this was to Leandra. Then her optio asked for the Legion's words. Years of training overrode all conscious thought. She stepped back out of Tiberia's grip, going to a military attention as she replied in her loudest yell. "SUMUS LEGIONE DUODECIME FULMINE! AUT VINCERE AUT MORI! WE ARE THE TWELFTH LEGION THUNDERBOLT! CONQUER OR DIE!"

Leandra stared at Tib for a while, long enough to make it uncomfortable. She couldn't entirely believe what Tiberia was saying, even though it was totally something she would say and do. There were no shades of grey for Tiberia, she was one of the few embodiments of the perfect Roman soldier. Leandra averted her eyes to the ground, her face reddening with shame again. "Alright. I will talk to Romulus...but what if it doesn't work? Or it makes it worse?"

Leandra nodded, but sighed as well. She had no desire to go back.to the barracks, where she would inevitably spend the rest of the night hugging Toby and praying for memories to leave her in peace. The anxiety of what Tiberia was going to make her do with Romulus would probably not help ease her into sleep either. "Aye, aye. But do you have anything to help sleep come? I haven't slept but a few fits and dozes in weeks. That's why I came here."

Leandra sighed heavily as Tiberia walked away. She grabbed the basket of fruit and placed it gently at the base of the shrine. "Sorry, mom." She muttered quietly as she wrapped her arms around herself protectively. The idea of going through with everything tortured her, but did it torture her more than what had already happened?

She headed back for the barracks slowly, knowing that Somnus would likely not answer her prayers any more than Angerona did. The gods only answered prayers when it suited them most. Why do it for someone who is weakened by their own mind?