by Josh 3/24/2014, 5:02 pm
Mmk. So.
As a general read, they are quite nice. In depth though, there is more that could be done.
From a first read, it's clear that there is sadness to these poems, in both. The first is about someone lost. Whether it be a friend/love/family member/memory. Evidently the narrator has lost.
Whereas the second one has a more tragic message to it, and is more depressing. The indication is death and possibly even suicide.
So, on a basic level that's what we get.
Neither poem has a rhyme scheme to them, which is fine, poems don't have to. At the same time, there is no meter to them, there is no pattern to it, it's just the lines flow from one to another. Again, this isn't required, but in these poems, I feel a meter could be quite good to convey the darkness in them, especially if it was a slower one. Iambic Pentameter is probably the most common and would give the poetry a rhythmic effect to them. And done in the right way can convey the emotions you seem to be hinting at.
Other notes,
Whispers, telling me how to be free
by trying to fly out in the cold night
So I did.
I don't like this too much. The "So I did." Doesn't fit. It abruptly ends it, which for this poem would be a better effect at the very end, as if to say how life can be ended suddenly, whereas you stop abruptly and then carry on. It just doesn't have the same effect.
This is kinda brief thing cause Im kinda rushed, but bleh. Don't take this the wrong way, I like them, they're good, but I feel there could be a lot more done on the technicalities to improve them.
And if my interpretations aren't what you meant, welp, read the book "Death of the Author" by Roland Barthes
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