CHAPTER ONE: LENA THE MARY-SUE
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl named Lena Caroline Haley Angelica Lewis the twenty-fourth. With her billowing black hair, stunning rainbow-colored eyes that could hypnotize an entire country the size of China, and beautiful singing voice that could be heard all over the universe just by itself with no microphone, she was amazing.
Lena stood on her balcony in the tower of the castle of the Perfect Character Forms, utterly bored out of her mind. She'd lived and ruled in the country of Role-Playing Site for over seventeen decades-- she was about a thousand years old, but you can't age her type of perfection. She yawned, and the men gathered under her balcony-- her servants who had gathered to serve her as soon as she smiled after her creation by the Accursed Newbie-- screamed, “O Goddess, order us to do something! Anything for Your Beautiful, Rich, Healthy, Golden, Brunette, Not-Orange, Not Ugly Highness!”
Lena smiled brightly, and the sun caught her teeth and flashed brilliantly like a shooting star. Beautiful.
Unknown to the Beautiful, Rich, Healthy, Holden, Brunette, Not-Orange, Not Ugly Goddess, however, there lurked a small group of girls under her balcony, unnoticed by the hypnotized men. One of them, Elly the serial killer, was sharpening her Stygian iron knife with a rock as her friend, Maeve the party girl, was jamming out on her iPod. Jenny, the smart one, was watching Lena closely, squinting to see the brilliantly lit balcony.
“This is disgusting,” Arik muttered, stamping her foot. “She's glowing up there. Glowing.”
“Be patient,” chided Kendall in an old-man voice even though she was female and only thirteen years old. “When she stops Elly will go in and shoot her with the crossbow. While she's distracted, Jenny will blast the iPod music and snap the guys out of the trance. Then we all rush in and start beating her over the head with bats. Got 'em?”
Her teammates nodded, holding up their bats made of Celestial bronze. Elly had spikes sticking out of hers.
Kendall turned away, scratching her chin. “Okay, Elly. Shoot.”
Elly pranced forward, aiming her crossbow. “Please keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle. We are not responsible for any damages to your items or such....”
Maeve pulled the earphones out of her ears, still dancing to some Usher stuff. “Whazzat?”
Jenny muttered something under her breath as Elly aimed her crossbow for the middle of the flashing brilliance of light.
“Bye bye birdy!” Elly cried, and fired the crossbow bolt towards the middle of the glowing mass.
There was a sharp ping, like from a sonar radar, as the crossbow bolt hit Lena's teeth and shot into the crowd, probably hitting one of her many secret admirers in the eye. She stared for a moment, her teeth undamaged by the sudden bolt, before turning to her servant Cornelius Popsicle Dove the giant talking penguin. “What was that, Dove?”
The penguin blinked, then shrugged and said in a voice that sounded like it had inhaled a little helium a few minutes ago, “I dunno. I thought it was a bird.”
Lena bared her teeth, unleashing the glowing radiance of her white teeth again. “Find whoever shot that bolt and kill them! Kill them with fire.”
“But, Mistress,” the penguin protested, “we only have glitter and ink! You took the weapons and made armor for yourself.”
Back down under Lena's balcony, the group of Mary-Sue Hunters were edging towards the door a few feet away from them. Maeve stood by a big pair of speakers, pulling her earphones out of the iPod and putting it on the stand made specifically to play iPod music when plugged in properly. She gave the group a thumbs-up, holding her Celestial Bronze sword by her side.
“It'll play MCR for hours,” she mouthed, and Arik lunged forward at the door handle, pulling it open as “Helena” by My Chemical Romance began to play loudly. The men around them began blinking, coughing loudly, asking each other what were they doing here, where were they, etc.
The group of girls rushed inside as Lena hysterically found her servants confused, not knowing what they were doing here. The accursed My Chemical Romance band was taking them away from her, making the men part of their MCRmy. This couldn't be happening to somebody so beautiful. Not her. Not Lena, of all the beautiful people in the world. And there weren't that many.
Lena began smacking the railing of the balcony, then looked at Dove. “Dove, you stupid penguin! What are you doing standing there?”
Dove blinked, then looked at his feet. “Mistress, I can't move.”
“Why not?!”
“You glued my feet to the floor with glitter glue.”
Meanwhile, the Mary-Sue Hunters were running up the stairs of the tower, which seemed like forever. Maeve and Jenny were tripping over random books on the staircase, such as Twilight or some Justin Bieber biographies, crying whenever they saw a title.
“Not The Unofficial Justin Bieber Biography!” Jenny wailed, and then stepped on a two-by-four Lego brick. She yelped in pain and almost fell down the stairs, had not Arik broken her fall, and they both tumbled down a flight of stairs.
“Come on!” Elly was waving to them at the top of their seventh set of stairs, holding a clarinet she'd tripped over.
“This place is a dump,” Kendall muttered, stepping over a soccer trophy. “Does anybody clean up after her?”
They were all running up the stairs again when a beautiful female voice cried, “I'm too perfect for this! My servants, obey me! Obey meeeee, not that stupid band!”
“What a megalomaniac,” Jenny muttered, jumping over a box of Peeps on a step. She adjusted her glasses and then tripped over a Miley Cyrus sticker book.
“I see the liiighhtttt!” Arik cried, dashing past Jenny, Maeve, and Kendall with her arms out. “Beautiful light, I hath missed thou!”
“Don't go towards the light!” Kendall cried, rushing forward. Jenny and Maeve looked at each other, Maeve snorting “What idiots” before they both ran up the stairs.
Elly was pressing herself against the wall by a pair of French doors that definitely lead to the balcony, hidden only by a baby blue curtain. Strewn about the bedroom of the Mary-Sue were unicorn dolls, Twilight figurines, Justin Bieber posters, and a hypnotized Taylor Lautner who sat in the corner, rocking back in forth in fetal position, muttering, “I want my mommy, I want my mommy....”
The other girls moved to press themselves against the wall beside her.
“On three,” Kendall mouthed, holding up her hand. She held up three fingers, then two, then--
“Dieeee, nasty Mary-Sue!” Elly kicked open the doors and smacked the nearest thing with her Celestial Bronze baseball bat. It was a giant penguin-- Dove the penguin, to be exact. He sobbed loudly and covered his face with his flippers as Elly screamed, “Die! Diiieee!”
The other girls ran in, brandishing a sword or a metal baseball bat, smacking the nearest thing they could hit. Lena spun around dramatically, her hair flowing about her in slow-motion, eyes now red like lava or blood. She was going to kick some butt today and still look beautiful doing it.
“How-- you!” she hissed, glaring around her. A baseball bat was swung at her face, but she grabbed it and snapped the Celestial Bronze in half. Maeve gulped, stepping back. “You again! You and you and you and you and you and you--”
“There's only five of us,” Kendall reminded her, flashing her a quick smile as she kicked over a flower pot of some never-before-existing flowers.
“I knew that! I have perfect mathematical skills,” Lena huffed, and suddenly in her hand appeared a sword, her clothes turning into the best armor in the world. Her sword was part Stygian Iron, part Celestial Bronze, part ice, and part mortal titanium. The best stuff in the world. “And now we dance, fair---”
A clarinet hit her in the face, her head twisting to the side with a sickening crack. Elly stood at Lena's side, holding her wrecked clarinet with a triumphant grin.
“I win!” Elly did a little jig and stepped back to admire her work. “I call it 'A Twisted Beauty.' My best work.”
Lena twitched, her head snapping back into place with a snarl too damaging to her pretty face. Around them, the men were banging on the gates, trying to go free as My Chemical Romance sang something about a parade.
“You. Die. Now.” Lena held up her sword and slashed at Arik, who ducked behind the penguin. It gasped as it was sliced open, candy pouring out of its stomach.
“Mistress--” it gasped, then exploded into a pile of glitter, leaving Arik without another penguin shield. She grinned sheepishly.
Lena snarled angrily, slashing at Arik. Arik ducked under the blade, and drew her Stygian iron sword, screaming, “Sparrrrttttttttttaaaaaaaa!”
Arik charged towards Lena, slashing furiously at her face as Elly jabbed with her sword towards Lena's side. Lena blocked the slash and dodged the jab with one beautiful motion, basically a ballerina pirouette. Maeve picked up her shattered baseball bat, sobbing, “It was so beautiful....”
Meanwhile, Kendall and Jenny had rushed back into Lena's bed room, rummaging through her things. Jenny had found Daniel Radcliffe, some guy named Collin, many Justin Bieber fangirls, and a couple of clarinets and tubas in Lena's closet, but nothing that showed what would tear Lena's mind apart. Kendall tore open some drawers, digging through ugly clothing that made Lena the Mary-Sue look even more beautiful.
“Nothing!” Jenny sighed, closing the closet despite Daniel Radcliffe's pleas to let him go. “This Mary-Sue has no weaknesses.”
“Well, that's what a Mary-Sue is, isn't it? Perfect, no weaknesses.” Kendall grinned crookedly, holding up a tattered old book. “Here it is. A diary.”
Jenny blinked, straining to hear Kendall above the My Chemical Romance and sounds of swords and baseball bats clashing outside. “A dairy?”
“Diary!” Kendall waved it up in the air, then threw it at Jenny. “Read it out loud at Lena and see what she does!”
Drawing her sword, Kendall rushed out into the battle.
Jenny blinked, holding the diary in her hands. It felt sort of wrong to read through a person's diary.... But Lena wasn't a person. She was a Perfect Goddess, a Mary-Sue. Not a person at all. She opened the diary, and immediately was bombarded with the big, beautiful cursive of Lena the Mary-Sue, which read: “'OMG there was dis guy name Edward Cullen he so pretty he sparkles and I kill his gf and we get marry on sept 4 100. he lykes me.'”
Jenny nearly barfed. A perfect Mary-Sue who could write only in Internet-language. That was it-- grammar. Her weakness was grammar. It made sense to Jenny-- Lena had been created by one of the Accursed Newbies, a group of newcomers who had rushed in making forms, breaking rules, etc with no regard for the Moderators. Most of these Accursed Newbies had terrible grammar, and this proved it. Lena, one of the most powerful Mary-Sues ever, had the weakness of grammar.
It was sad beyond words.
Jenny held the book open, drawing her dagger. This was it. Her first Mary-Sue beat-down using verbal abuse.
She stepped out onto the balcony as the battle raged-- Arik was lying on her side with a bloody cut across her face, trying to reach her sword. Elly was slashing at Lena's back, but her sword only made dinging noises as it bounced off Lena's perfect skin. Kendall was gone, probably trying to open the gates or she'd fallen off the balcony. Please be the former, Jenny begged, and gulped. Maeve was dueling with Lena, her sword clanging off Lena's skin whenever she managed to get in a slash. They were losing badly.
“Lena!”
Lena turned, snarling as her hands snapped in two directions, grabbing Maeve's sword and smacking Elly's out of her hand. “What do you want, stupid girl?”
Jenny held up the book and muttered softly, “You have issues.”
Lena cocked her ear in Jenny's direction. “Speak louder.”
“You have issues,” Jenny said loudly, and Arik snickered. She cleared her throat and the wide-eyed Lena as she recited from the diary, “'OMG there was dis guy name Edward Cullen he so pretty he sparkles and I kill his gf and we get marry on sept 4 100. he lykes me.'”
Lena choked in response, “OMG I lyke pi its so nic and stuff.”
Arik grabbed her sword as Jenny continued on, “'Wee had dis nice ice ceam he kisse me an he lyke my cookin we dance and den he fall off cliff.”
Lena grabbed her throat, tottering dangerously close to Arik and her sword. “I pwn dose newbs, I kyl da moderator--”
Elly lunged forward, stabbing Lena in the gut in her moment of weakness-- the stab was followed by Arik cutting off the Mary-Sue's head. Ink spurted out of the stump, and Lena's body and head melted into pools of golden ink.
Jenny stood there, then looked at the diary again. Slowly, it was turning into sand in her hands, which ran through her fingers and onto the balcony.
Maeve clutched her side, breathing hard. They were all hurt, except for Jenny, who'd dealt one of the first kill blows to Lena.
“Where's Kenny?” Jenny asked, and they all looked around. They heard a loud creaking noise of the beautiful wooden gates as they creaked open, releasing the cheering male servants of Lena into the road. Arik adjusted her glasses, squinting into the distance.
“It's Kenny!” She pointed to the figure working the levers of the gates. The figure waved back at them, looking cheerful with her waving.
Jenny waved back, shouting, “We did it! Lena's dead! We can all go ho--”
She was cut off when in the distance, she saw a giant black flying bunny, with a hooded figure with a computer keyboard attached to its arm on the bunny's back. The figure was tapping its foot impatiently, and tapped something out on the keyboard. Suddenly, all the Mary-Sue Hunters felt sick.
An Accursed Newbie.
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