Gateway to the Heavens

once again. . . BEAUTIFULL :DDD GREAT JOBBB

Thanks!

I cant speak right now

Hands up who hates this.
(Waits few seconds)
No one? Great!

I love this!!! Indi is such a great character!

IM crying

Aww! Cute! Since no one has, I will do a little critiquing, k?

Your chapters are kinda short. Try to stretch things out a bit more. It would be tons beautiful if you described every little detail. Every feeling the main character has. Get into Indi's head and describe her (Indi's a girl, right?) emotions to the greatest detail. Take as long as you can to describe her tears. Reach into the reader's inner emotions and make them feel sorry for Indi.

Another thing I noticed is that she says "let me back up" and then she describes herself. It kinda breaks the mood. I, personally, go up to someone and say, "I have long blond hair and dazzling green eyes." It sounds dumb. If you are going to write in first person, either don't describe her physical features, or have another character describe her somehow. I dunno. I am also writing a story in first person, and I haven't exactly described my character yet. Maybe you could hint at some details a little at a time. Maybe she could look at her reflection, or something.

Anyway, keep up the writing because it's quite touching and I really like it! :)

1- Check punctuation. You have a few extra commas and such.

2- How refreshing! Your paragraphs are done well. :)

3- You tend to change between present and past tense (sort of). If this little mention doesn't help, I can try to explain it in more depth, probably over pm. Let me know.

4- You use "I" a lot. Vary your sentences a bit so you don't always start with the subject. For example, "I could feel tiny droplets of water" could change to "Tiny droplets met my touch." (Wow, that was a lame example. lol)

5- I don't quite understand the plot right now. Yes, she is trying to find her way to heaven, but what you have so far isn't very... interesting? No, it's interesting... just not engaging. Yes, engaging is the word I'm looking for. The reader isn't invested in your character's quest. You can be eloquent, but boring at the same time.

6- This has the potential to be magnificent. You have a good voice, but it needs some touching up.

7- The chapters are extremely short. This kind of goes with point five. If you make the chapters longer, with more action and interaction (like in role plays), you can bring more life to your story.

8- How does she remember the woman? Who is she? What does she have anything to do with it? If this is foreshadowing something, it's fine to leave it a bit obscure. My main issue is how good the character's memory is.

9- Don't back up. Don't dump all the information on us like that. It's jarring and detracts from the flow of the story.

10- She may have learned that May 16th was her mother's birthday, but you shouldn't mention it at the beginning like that.

11- Give the reader a reason for her name. Or at least, give me a reason for her name. Indiana is a strange name for her, especially because of Indiana Jones.

I think that's pretty much it. :)

well,,,, that gave me something to think about. I will try to make it better.

This was amazing!

thank you. Me luvs feeeling gooooooood!!!!!!

I LOVE it!!!!!!! Can NOT wait for more.

BTW I know this is COMPLETELY unrelated but my b-day is on May 16.
wait.... that's probably not a good thing....

This thread is hella old.
Please don't bump old topics, GG.