Starcrashed Adventures

A Short Chapter One

It isn't fun when you're hiding from you're best friend.

Hi, I'm Mason Valley. I'm on a ship in space called Starcrashed. There is a bunch of people here. I am a leader here, along with Commando Nix Maccio and Commando Asimina. We are currently heading for Mars. The Starcrashers detected life. I thought it would be interesting to explore and see what we could find. Here's the bad news: Nix wants to drive the ship. This is how it happened:

I was driving the ship. Nix walked over.

"Hello, Nix." I smiled happily.

"Hello, Mace," Nix smiled back.

"What'cha here for?" I ask.

"Can I drive?" Nix asks.

"D-Drive the ship?" I ask.

"Please, Mace?" Nix asks. "Just one time?"

I sigh. "Fine." I let her drive

I go back over to my seat.

Asimina comes. "Hello."

"Hey,'' I say.

"WAIT, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE DRIVING THE SHIP?" Asimina panics.

"Nix is driving it!" I said.

"Oh." Asimina remained calm.

"What are you here to talk to me about?" I ask.

Asimina started to speak, when suddenly, I heard "MACE!"

It was Nix.

I ran over to her. I could've died. A black hole was coming for the ship.

Suddenly, a man dressed like Darth Vader busts in.

"Time for a surprise." He smiles.

Suddenly, he grabs Nix, and starts absorbing her life energy.

"NO!" I yell, and jump in front of him.

Life was sucked out of me. I couldn't take it much longer. I pass out.


THANKS FOR READING! PLEASE COMMENT BELOW IF YOU WANNA BE IN THE STORY!

Double Thumbs up! :D

You could use a lot more detail and longer sentences, Mason.... Otherwise with the grammar it's fine. Description is key to a good story, though. Stories with longer sentences also flow a lot better.

For example, you put Asi walks in. How did she walk in? Did she strut like a Cheetah Girl or did she stumble in because she was tripping over her untied shoes? A description would make what your characters do a lot more interesting.

Thanks, Kenny. Sorry, it will. The first story was a lot better, but my comp. deleted it, so I had to re-write it, but the 2nd chapter will be better.