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by Zachary 1/17/2012, 3:32 pmA long time ago in a galaxy far far away…
“Wait a moment!” The narrator yelled.
“This is the Star Wars opening! Can’t you be more creative than that?”
Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship-
“Oh come on! This is the Star Trek opening!” The narrator yelled again.
“If you can’t be creative enough to write a space themed opening I’ll do it!” He said, clearing his voice.
The small space freighter traveled slowly to the moon Alucard of the planet Neitsneknarf. As it entered the small atmosphere of the moon the engineer of the ship came to the captain.
“Captain!” He spoke.
“We’re all out of cheese!”
“I don’t care, I’m lactose intolerant.” The captain replied, annoyed.
“But what of the low supply of bacon?” The engineer asked.
“No bacon!? When we land on Alucard we will go to the nearest Space-Mart and but the precious bacon!” The captain ensured. He was originally traveling to Alucard to get his load of spices, but he now knew that the bacon was a higher priority. The ship landed in the hanger as all 12 of the crew exited.
“We have some horrible new everyone: We are almost out of bacon.” The captain prompted. Looks of despair went around the crew.
“Don’t worry. We will go to the Space-Mart and buy all the bacon!” The captain smiled as the crew cheered. There was one odd thing though, there was no one else. Not one of the hangar staff came to ask for ID, not one noise other than that of the crew. The entered Space-Mart to find it empty as well.
“Interesting” The ship’s medic thought. The captain grabbed a hove cart and went to the meat isle. He then pushed the frozen bacon off the shelves and into his cart.
“What the…” The ship’s pilot whispered as he pointed where he just seen a black blur. Only he noticed, because the rest of the crew was with the captain celebrating.
The crew went to the empty register and scanned the food anyway, but giving the next cashier hell by paying for it all…IN CHANGE! This captain is pure evil. They left to the ship and were all in the hangar. In a second, all the doors in the area closed and locked. In the blink of an eye the crew’s medic was confronted by the back blur and then the medic lay dead. The crew looked over him to find two bite marks in his neck.
“That be the marks of a vampire!” The oldest of the crew, the weapon specialist, said. He took a pipe and put some tobacco in it.
“I’d never thought me eyes would see the day…” He remarked, now lighting his pipe. He took a puff of it.
“There be stories of vampires around the galaxy, but not one I thought then true. One particular story was on one of the bars in Namflow.”
“How did it end?” The pilot asked.
“Aye. It ended with the vampire dead.” He answered.
“How did it die?” The captain questioned, wanting to know so he could leave with the rest of his crew alive.
“Th’crew killed it by impaling its heart. Then th’crew’s priest prayed and it turned to dust.”
“But we have no priest!” The engineer pointed out.
“Then ye best be a prayer!” His rough voice laughed.
“Wait a minute, wait a minute.” Said the crew’s negotiator.
“The moon we are on is Alucard. That’s Dracula spelled backwards! How could we not see this coming?”
“We’re doomed…” The captain faceplamed himself.
“There be hope yet lads. We need to get yur engineer to open th’doors. Then we can leave here safely.” The weapon specialist suggested.
“Awesome idea!” The captain declared about his plan.
“Now all we need is-“ The swift blur now covered the captain and he lie dead as well.
“Argh, everyone get to the maintenance shaft!” The weapon specialist yelled as the ten crew members ran to it.
“It’s locked!” The security operator said.
“I got it.” The pilot quickly told as everyone made room for him.
“I was a bit of a thief growing up…” He mumbled as he fiddled with the lock for a second. He opened it and held it open for the others to run past. Then Dracula quickly drank his blood and killed the pilot.
“I’ll defend ya, now go!” The weapon specialist said, breaking a guard rail to make a stake.
“Why? One of us can do it, you’re more help anyway!” The security operator remarked.
“This be m’duty, son.” The old man answered, smiling.
“Heh heh, duty…” The security operator giggled as he ran off with the rest of the crew. The weapon specialist waited.
“Are you going to come at me or what?” He asked looking around for Dracula. For a moment or so, silence. Then he heard a scream, then a couple more, then silence again.
“He…he killed the rest of the crew…” He stuttered, now taking a few steps back.
The vampire jumped down from the pipes up in the ceiling and was about to bite the old man when the old man drove the stake into his heart. He mumbled a quick prayer.
“Ow!” Dracula said, taking the metal rod out. “That hurt!”
“But you’re supposed to be turned to dust when I do that!” The old man exclaimed, confused.
“Nah man, that’s in the movies. We only die from a bad pun contest. That is, if we lose from it.”
“Then I challenge you to a pun duel! Well…how exactly do they work?”
“Well, you see, we say puns until the other person laughs. That person loses.”
“I thought you said a bad pun contest.”
“All puns are bad.” Dracula remarked, smiling.
“Good point.”
“Then you go first. You are the guest.” Dracula bowed.
“How about those rocketeers? I heard business was…skyrocketing!” The old man said, smiling.
“Good, but you can do better.” Dracula replied.
“A cartoonist was found dead in his house…details are sketchy.” Dracula grinned. The old man smiled, but that was it.
“I was playing baseball with my son and I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger…then it hit me.” The weapon specialist said, not getting any response from Dracula.
“There was once an illiterate fisherman. He was lost at C.” Dracula smirked. The old man did too.
“I tired to catch fog once when I was a kid. I mist.” There was no smile from wither of them, and the old man was running out of ideas.
“Why does a moon-rock taste better than an earth-rock? Because it’s a little meteor.” Dracula stated. The weapon specialist was about to laugh, but he held it in. He only had one pun left, but it wasn’t all too good.
“I wanted to be a doctor once, but I didn’t have the patients.” The old man hoped for a laugh. He didn’t get one. All he got was a quickly formulated pun.
“I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I then I got over it.” The old man was about to laugh, but he couldn’t.
“I…don’t have any puns left, Dracula.” The old man said.
“Well think of one-“ He then turned around to a mirror and was entranced by it.
“What color is a mirror?” He asked himself out loud. The old man smiled.
“Let me reflect on that.” He grinned. Dracula laughed.
“I get it! Because mirrors reflect-OW! No no noooo!” His voice faded away as he turned to dust.
The weapon specialist opened the hatch to the doors and left Alucard in the small freighter he came in.
THE END
(This was a story I did in my free time a couple months ago.)
“Wait a moment!” The narrator yelled.
“This is the Star Wars opening! Can’t you be more creative than that?”
Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship-
“Oh come on! This is the Star Trek opening!” The narrator yelled again.
“If you can’t be creative enough to write a space themed opening I’ll do it!” He said, clearing his voice.
The small space freighter traveled slowly to the moon Alucard of the planet Neitsneknarf. As it entered the small atmosphere of the moon the engineer of the ship came to the captain.
“Captain!” He spoke.
“We’re all out of cheese!”
“I don’t care, I’m lactose intolerant.” The captain replied, annoyed.
“But what of the low supply of bacon?” The engineer asked.
“No bacon!? When we land on Alucard we will go to the nearest Space-Mart and but the precious bacon!” The captain ensured. He was originally traveling to Alucard to get his load of spices, but he now knew that the bacon was a higher priority. The ship landed in the hanger as all 12 of the crew exited.
“We have some horrible new everyone: We are almost out of bacon.” The captain prompted. Looks of despair went around the crew.
“Don’t worry. We will go to the Space-Mart and buy all the bacon!” The captain smiled as the crew cheered. There was one odd thing though, there was no one else. Not one of the hangar staff came to ask for ID, not one noise other than that of the crew. The entered Space-Mart to find it empty as well.
“Interesting” The ship’s medic thought. The captain grabbed a hove cart and went to the meat isle. He then pushed the frozen bacon off the shelves and into his cart.
“What the…” The ship’s pilot whispered as he pointed where he just seen a black blur. Only he noticed, because the rest of the crew was with the captain celebrating.
The crew went to the empty register and scanned the food anyway, but giving the next cashier hell by paying for it all…IN CHANGE! This captain is pure evil. They left to the ship and were all in the hangar. In a second, all the doors in the area closed and locked. In the blink of an eye the crew’s medic was confronted by the back blur and then the medic lay dead. The crew looked over him to find two bite marks in his neck.
“That be the marks of a vampire!” The oldest of the crew, the weapon specialist, said. He took a pipe and put some tobacco in it.
“I’d never thought me eyes would see the day…” He remarked, now lighting his pipe. He took a puff of it.
“There be stories of vampires around the galaxy, but not one I thought then true. One particular story was on one of the bars in Namflow.”
“How did it end?” The pilot asked.
“Aye. It ended with the vampire dead.” He answered.
“How did it die?” The captain questioned, wanting to know so he could leave with the rest of his crew alive.
“Th’crew killed it by impaling its heart. Then th’crew’s priest prayed and it turned to dust.”
“But we have no priest!” The engineer pointed out.
“Then ye best be a prayer!” His rough voice laughed.
“Wait a minute, wait a minute.” Said the crew’s negotiator.
“The moon we are on is Alucard. That’s Dracula spelled backwards! How could we not see this coming?”
“We’re doomed…” The captain faceplamed himself.
“There be hope yet lads. We need to get yur engineer to open th’doors. Then we can leave here safely.” The weapon specialist suggested.
“Awesome idea!” The captain declared about his plan.
“Now all we need is-“ The swift blur now covered the captain and he lie dead as well.
“Argh, everyone get to the maintenance shaft!” The weapon specialist yelled as the ten crew members ran to it.
“It’s locked!” The security operator said.
“I got it.” The pilot quickly told as everyone made room for him.
“I was a bit of a thief growing up…” He mumbled as he fiddled with the lock for a second. He opened it and held it open for the others to run past. Then Dracula quickly drank his blood and killed the pilot.
“I’ll defend ya, now go!” The weapon specialist said, breaking a guard rail to make a stake.
“Why? One of us can do it, you’re more help anyway!” The security operator remarked.
“This be m’duty, son.” The old man answered, smiling.
“Heh heh, duty…” The security operator giggled as he ran off with the rest of the crew. The weapon specialist waited.
“Are you going to come at me or what?” He asked looking around for Dracula. For a moment or so, silence. Then he heard a scream, then a couple more, then silence again.
“He…he killed the rest of the crew…” He stuttered, now taking a few steps back.
The vampire jumped down from the pipes up in the ceiling and was about to bite the old man when the old man drove the stake into his heart. He mumbled a quick prayer.
“Ow!” Dracula said, taking the metal rod out. “That hurt!”
“But you’re supposed to be turned to dust when I do that!” The old man exclaimed, confused.
“Nah man, that’s in the movies. We only die from a bad pun contest. That is, if we lose from it.”
“Then I challenge you to a pun duel! Well…how exactly do they work?”
“Well, you see, we say puns until the other person laughs. That person loses.”
“I thought you said a bad pun contest.”
“All puns are bad.” Dracula remarked, smiling.
“Good point.”
“Then you go first. You are the guest.” Dracula bowed.
“How about those rocketeers? I heard business was…skyrocketing!” The old man said, smiling.
“Good, but you can do better.” Dracula replied.
“A cartoonist was found dead in his house…details are sketchy.” Dracula grinned. The old man smiled, but that was it.
“I was playing baseball with my son and I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger…then it hit me.” The weapon specialist said, not getting any response from Dracula.
“There was once an illiterate fisherman. He was lost at C.” Dracula smirked. The old man did too.
“I tired to catch fog once when I was a kid. I mist.” There was no smile from wither of them, and the old man was running out of ideas.
“Why does a moon-rock taste better than an earth-rock? Because it’s a little meteor.” Dracula stated. The weapon specialist was about to laugh, but he held it in. He only had one pun left, but it wasn’t all too good.
“I wanted to be a doctor once, but I didn’t have the patients.” The old man hoped for a laugh. He didn’t get one. All he got was a quickly formulated pun.
“I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I then I got over it.” The old man was about to laugh, but he couldn’t.
“I…don’t have any puns left, Dracula.” The old man said.
“Well think of one-“ He then turned around to a mirror and was entranced by it.
“What color is a mirror?” He asked himself out loud. The old man smiled.
“Let me reflect on that.” He grinned. Dracula laughed.
“I get it! Because mirrors reflect-OW! No no noooo!” His voice faded away as he turned to dust.
The weapon specialist opened the hatch to the doors and left Alucard in the small freighter he came in.
THE END
(This was a story I did in my free time a couple months ago.)
