My first book

 Look this is a true story, no matter how strange it might seem its totally real.  I know this for a fact because this is MY story of how I became a shadow bender. Now before I continue this is NOT avatar or anything close this is more violent and deadly.  Now this book is rated pg-13 so if you can't handle it then stop reading. Now to the story..........

Chapter one

This tragic and amazing chain of events started soon after my eighth birthday, 10/31/2005 to be exact. Anyway it was the day of my femur corrective surgery or whatnot and I can tell you I was not looking forward to it at all. But it had to happen, so I went in and they knocked me out and did the surgery, yada yada yada. But when I woke up I wasn't in a hospital I was in a tent made of deer (don't ask how I knew this) and I say straight up crying out in pain because, well this was right after surgery duh. So I was crying out in pain when two people ran in, one was a tall skinny black haired guy who looked like he should play for the lakers, and the other was an older man probably around 70 or 80. Anywho they burst in and the tall one clamped his hand over my mouth until I stopped screaming. I stopped immediately after he clamped his hand over my mouth and punched him in the arm. He smiled and said two words "shadow or fire" he said to the older dude who was studying me and nodded.  Then the tall one lifted me off the cot and put me in one of those Japanese thingys, a rickshaw or whatever we Americans call it.
x...x...x
(1 hour later)

I was thrown into a room (literally) with about 30 other boys and about 40 girls that were either torturing each other or were playing 'get the chick' or were using swords to hack up dummies, but when I came in they all stopped and stared at me for a second then went back to their "activities". I just walked along the side of this massive room when a hand grabbed me and threw me (literally again) up onto a stage of some sort and held me in a martial arts move or something, when someone came in and said something in Japanese which I strangely understood he had said "wait not yet".  Then I saw as three figures came out of the shadows and gasped as........

                       To be continued.........


Any advice would be nice

oooohhh suspenseful. maybe a bit more detail about your surroundings and the people and what the character was feeling during the time and maybe some dialog, but it looks really good!

Thanks will do

Hm, I say it could use it little bit more description but it is still great, but yeah I'm not the type to critic a lot.

Thanks chapter two coming soon

The way that you ended it was very good. It makes people want to read on to see what happens. I personally think you need to elaborate more. Besides that, it looks good.

Thanks and here's a list of up coming characters...

Static nova-evil villain
Morgan laundry-spartan warrior
Shan- warrior and fighting champion
Emily desgano-trader/doulble agent
Eric- who knows yet
Kim Clark-warrior/martial arts expert
Ryan- Zachary's friend and companion
Fluffy- a three ton fire and poison breathing eastern dragon

That's all the characters for now

I gasped as gaped as I recognized one of the mysterious figures who just can out of the darkness.  It was Linsy my best friends sister, who is an amazing brunette beauty. As I watched her and the other two come in I noticed her shoulder length hair, her bright blue eyes, and the amazing sleeveless shirt she was wearing. The guy in the middle was about five-nine and was wearing dark robes do I couldn't see his face and he was carrying a sword about 4 feet long and had a twisted blade.  The last of the trio was about my age and wore ripped jeans, a red t-shirt and about a pound in dog tags and necklaces.  Linsy recognized me immediately and her face lit up like a Christmas tree, so I guess she still remembered me.  The older guy who's name was Gus (he had a name tag) walked up to me and said "pick up a sword and get ready you idiot, I don't have Rome to waste on your dumbness. So I went to the rack and grabbed a unbalanced iron  Kantana and went back to him and said "what now Gus?" he simply smiled at me like a villain from a movie and replied "now I see your sorry little butt get beaten and sliced in the arena" he said pushing me into an open circular clearing and locked the door behind me.

x...x...x

I stood up and looked at the hundreds of thousands watching me and about a hundred other kids ages ranging from 10-18 by the looks of it. I carefully put my Kantana in its sheath on my back ad went over to a person in full body armor who seemed to be in charge. "hey" I yelled out to the person "what's going on?".  This being carefully turned around and in the blink of an eye I was on the floor and had a sword pointed at my neck.  Then this person raised there visor and it was a girl. Startled I back up then stand up " hey why the sword?" I ask her. "don't ask and leave you idiot" she said and turned on her heal and walked away.

x...x...x...

30 minutes later


"younglings!" Gus called out to us "this is a little friendly completion to find out your tribe now fight!" he said and laughed in joy as several people started fighting.  I drew my Kantana and parried with a girl wearing a spartan mask and was wielding a spear.  She stabbed at me but I managed to avoid the tip by 1 inch. I quickly slashed at her hands but she backed up and readied her spear, when suddenly....


            To be continued  

It's looking better. Keep it up!

Thanks nova

You are welcome.

Ch 3 coming soon

Nice, lots of suspense, it's what a good story needs.

But wait there's more......


Ch three coming soon

Great! I like myself :3

Good you are more in ch 3
And you have a very important part

I like it! Good job...(Now I need to write something..)

Can my name be Caroline? (My true name, but I like Silver/ anything that involves sparkle, too!) xD

You will be Caroline silver the deadly rich daughter of gus

I was suddenly pulled away as the spear scraped my arm. I looked for the person who saved me but they were no where in sight. Quickly I turn and slice the spear of the spartan girl, then kicked her to the floor and left her. As I ran to find an ally I was stopped by two muscular twins each holding a big sword and shield. They both grinned and sliced at me, one from the left the other from the right. I would've died but at the last second a slim form rammed into me and knocked me down so the twins hit each others shield. But before I could thank this person he/she vanished. I stood up shakily and noticed the combat was declared over for Gus had stood up and said "younglings now you are apprentices and will be assigned to a tribe when you leave". I slowly walked to the now opened gates and notices a young women wearing rich clothes apparently waiting for someone and when I passed she gave me one of the dirtiest looks ever.

x...x...x....

I had been assigned to the shadow tribe and as I was walking towards my cabin I noticed that I was being trailed so I ducked into an alley and waited.  Just as I thought this person passed right by the alley and I grabbed him/her and threw this person to the ground and pulled out my sword and pointed it at this strangers chin. "who are you" I growl my sword ready to puncture the neck at a moments notice. This stranger removed there hood and revealed......

Cliffhanger...gr....Why are you doing this to me? XD

I make cliffhangers alot
This is ch 2.5

I like it more and more as I read on!

Guess who's under the hood

A. Shan
B. Eric
C. Kim
D. Morgan
E. nova
F. Diana

D.Probably Morgan since you said she had a important role.

Maybe maybe not.

Thanks for replying